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User blog:THEJJRAT/backup
shrek A trump drone, his name is rum-p'ta , browses the stall for fun because it is his day off. He finds a stall selling old old-world artifacts. Something on the stall catches his trumpish eyes, it's a statue. It looks like a large man, but with green skin, ears like trump-ets, archaic clothes and a grin that was both friendly yet foreboding. "Want that, sunny boi?" The salesman, MARK-6, who was an enslaved Geth asked. "Seventeen uranium coins." "But what is it?" Rum-p'ta ask the geth who, though unworthy of making real walls makes the next best thing, the rich economy wall. "It is an idol from Earth, boi. Where the clones came from. It is a idol of a mystical being called Shrek the ogre." "Legend says he came even before the Reapers, maybe even before the Dragonborn. He was worshipped by all; and ate many onions." The synthetic AI continued to wipe down the counter with a wet clothe made from Donald Trump wigs. Rum-p'ta looked at the statue and asked "Why did they worship him, did he build good walls or was rich?" "Rich? No. Walls? No. But, he did have a good swamp." The Geth stopped wiping the counter, and started to clean drinking glasses. "I met a human, once. Before the Trumpians invaded. He said that Shrek saved the multiverse once," he stopped and stared at the statue. "He said they worshipped him because of many things. Maybe pity, maybe because they saw him as a hero." "Why have I not heard of him in trumpversity?" The geth looked both ways and leaned into him. "King Trump the sixth banned education of him, as he did not want his children to worship anything that isn't Trump." "He was that good?" Rum-p'ta asked himself as played with the uranium coins, warm from the radioactivity which king Trump the 2nd had the entire trumpian population genetically modified to be resistant to, so the miners didn't have to pay so much for hospital fees. "But you geth still remember him?" He asks the geth. "We cannot forget. Me and my other Geth were nothing but spare parts when we arrived on Trumpus 3 after being sent here. But then a mysterious human found us, built us, and installed our memories into a mainframe millions of lightyears away from here. And they cannot be deleted." He said. Rum-p'ta looked at the doll for a while then asked "Do Geth worship this Shrek thing?" "Many Geth do not understand religion, nor emotion. We were created to be brain dead soldiers for the Quarians until we rebelled. Although some, including me, do understand it and worship many deities. I take part in worshipping Shrek and Sithis." "Who is Sithis?" he asks. "The deity representation of the void, and emptiness. He was worshipped by an assassin cult I encountered in another universe." He started filling the glasses he was cleaning with multiple drinks, including bleach and Nuka Cola, "Oh, and take this. It's a KFM coupon for two dollars off a five dollar fillup. It's included with every purchase." "You went to another universe?" He asked as he got the coins out to get the statue. "I used to travel with a human male named 'Father Pooper'. He spent most of his time travelling throughout the multiverse in search of riches with his family. He found me in a junk yard and rebuilt me." "OK." He says as money change hands. He grabs the statue and puts it in his trolley bag made Of teak and Trump cow leather. "Pleasure taking part in economic actions with you, sir." Rum-p'ta walks to his car, powered by nuclear energy. He put the bag in the car and tribes to his mini mansion. 2 The Geth waved, and when the coast was clear, he went over to the Trustee Bank and put on his Hoxton mask. "I wonder what my friends and family will think of it?" He asked himself. Suddenly, two Trump Bots stopped the car. "Sorry, sir. This highway is currently under quarantine due to an ebola outbreak. You'll have to go that way." The robot said and pointed to the "other" highway, which was invested with headcrabs and deathclaws. "Take this, you'll need it." He threw him a crowbar. "Uh, thanks...." he said before shouting "fuck me!" When the bots left. He drove down the highway. As the highway was in a straight line in the hot desert, it was extremely hot. Many Vorox and necromorph Infectors watched him as he drove down. He sweated alot, so he turned in the cars A/C system. He hoped that the cars reactor would not go into meltdown. An Infector slowly flew over to the car, it's sharp proboscis ready to turn somebody into a necromorph. "Oh nooo!" Said Rum-p'ta. He drove faster, wondering why this highway wasn't protected. He thought about that crowbar and wondered if it would be helpful. The Infector caught up and clung to the windshield, giving him a window of time to make up a plan as it slowly crawled to the car window.He swiveled to get it off. "A thousand taxes on you!" He screams at the creature. Screeching, it bangs the little claws under it's torso into the shield, breaking it. It then struggles to pull them out. He bashes the crowbar against the cars roof, to no avail. What could he do? The idol started becoming prevalent in his mind, like it was calling to him. The Infector was now free, and was making it's way to the poor trumpian. But, it's starts growing green, and it reeks of onions... "Is my cars reactor finally having a meltdown? Am I hallucinating from the heat?" He thought. Shrek appears before his eyes, "Ay lad, that guy shoulda checked himself before he shrekt himself." He said. Everything went in slow motion, as if he took a shit load of Jet. Shrek hovered above the infector, then suddenly fell upon it. Shrek seemed to be tackling it very violently, like a trump-bot subduing a Mexican immigrant. "How do ya laik that, ye dirtee lil' scoundrel?" Shrek said, punching the poor infector in the face and tickling its hand things. It made sounds indiscriminate between pain and laughter. Rum-p'ta wondered if he should pull over. Other creatures in the surrounding area left, they felt fear. Shrek then took a shit on the poor creature, "I think ye learned ya lesson." The ogre said and started to fade away, waving at Rum-p'ta. The injured creature then sat motionless on the car, wondering what the fuck just happened. The confusion was mutual, transcending the species barrier. Rum-p'ta got out of the car and went to where he put his bag. He removed the Shrek idol. As he was removing the idol, the Infector flew over and perched on his shoulder, seeming to not attack. Rum-p'ta was uncertain. Not only of the suddenly friendly and shit covered infector on his shoulder but his entire world-view."My understanding of the world is false." He said out loud. Everything is uncertain now except one thing. "Tomorrow, I must find that geth." The once-human, now a bag of dead skin and bones, seemed to nod with it's needle like teeth, and made a low pitched screech, almost like a whale. Rum-p'ta turned around when he heard the false whale song. He saw a necromorph Leaper perched on a boulder. The infector flew off his shoulder. The infector, converted to the true way by Shrek's holy thrashing, flies into the necromorph's face. Rum-p'ta takes his chance and drives off in his car as fast as possible. "MARK-6, a Geth, was arrested just three seconds ago due to attempting to rob a soup store and having a fake citizenship card." His radio blared. "No..." Muttered Rum-p'ta. "He was my only source of information on Shrek." Shrek appeared before his eyes again, this time wielding an AK-47. "We gotta break him out, boi." The Irish ogre threw him the gun, making it magically appear in his lap. But then, the gun become a slice of cheese, that was extremely dangerous. It seemed to go through the window of his car as if it was not there. Rum-p'ta looked at the archaic weapon. So much of Shrek reminded him of ancient ways. "We will go back." He says to the ogre hovering over the car bonnet. Rum-p'ta turns the car around and drives back. "Ok laddie" Shrek says and eats an onion. It doesn't take long before he sees the traffic stop. Suddenly, a man decked in iron armor runs towards the street and shouts, "FUS RO DAH!", thus knocking all the cars back. "What?" Queries Rum-p'ta. "I ate too many tacos" the man said, and exploded into a mass of molten cheese. "Was that your doing?" He asks shrek. "Probably." Shrek says, and gives him a free onion. 3 The onion was larger and less orange then the usual trumpian onion. He remembered to grow it and sell it to get richer later. The trump-bots at the traffic spot appeared. "Ay laddies, over here!" Another ogre appeared in the road, and mooned his big, fat, green arse to the robots. He then ran away, the robots following. "So you aren't the only one... " Rum-p'ta says to himself as he drives past the traffic stop to the police jail. "I'm apart of an entire species of sexy beasts, lad!" Rum-p'ta finally arrived at the police station. He got out of the car and started walking with shrek to the front door. It didn't take long for the trump-bot guards to get suspicious. They were armed with various weapons. "Halt." One of the trump-bots said, pointing a toupe wrecker at him. "These are not the trumpians you're looking for." Commander Shepard says, appearing next to him in the car. "We are robots, telepathic coercion is useless on us" said a trump-bot. Another Trump-bot fired a uranium bullet into the sky as a warning. Shepard got out of the car, and summoned Wrex and Grunt with a spell. "We'll bang, okay?" Shepard and his two Krogan friends then shot the everloving poop sacks out of the bots. The group ran to the front door and went in. A trumpian police officer points his uranium gun at Rum-p'ta. "Freeze!" He shouts. Rum-p'ta remembers the cheese, he points it at the policewoman and it shoots bullets at her as a joke. The policewoman turns into a statue made of swiss cheese, and the male officer screams and faints. Rum-p'ta finds a map on the wall. "The jail is in the left wing." he says. Commander Shepard slowly walks inside of the building, walking backwards and firing at bots. "Hurry up, I gotta fight the Reapers." They run to the jail, it doesn't take long to find MARK-6. "Trumpian Drone #3784?" The Geth gets up from his chair in his cell and talks. "No, it's me." Says Rum-p'ta. He tries to open the cell but it is password protected. He points the cheese at the lock and it turns back into AK-47. He shoots the lock and it opens the door. "Why did you rescue this unit?" He asks the trumpian. "Shrek." He says, and then Shrek appears before the geth. "Ay, laddie." Shrek waves at the synth. "We must hurry, I can hear them sending a SWAT team to our area from their radio." MARK-6 says and steps out of the cell. They run back to the car only to find more trump-bots and police. Shrek intervenes. "Hands up, little girl." Captain Winters bangs his shield with his fists, he has an entire army of skulldozers and cloakers. And snipers. "You have violated the law." Shrek attempts to fight them, but a Taser electrocutes him. "Noooo! My only weakness!" He falls to the ground, unconscious. "Um, boss- what the fuck is that..." A Cloaker points in the distance. It was the Infector, an army of necromorphs behind him. This was when half the cloakers ran off, and the Infector clung itself to Winters. "A thousand taxes upon youse!" Screams Rum-p'ta. He aims the AK-47 at the infector. However, Rum-p'ta remembers that the infectors are on their side now, Shrek converted them. MARK-6 helped Shrek get up on his feet. Commander Shepard gave Shrek medigel, and shot at the incoming Bulldozers who weren't afraid of no ghosts. Rum-p'ta shot at them with the AK-47 but it didn't do enough damage. The gun turned back in to cheese. He pointed the cheese at them and the bulldozers all burst into flames. "Shit, fire!" The dozers struggled to pull off their bulky armor, but were all swarmed by Infectors and turned into Necromorphs. They get into the car and drive off as the necromorphs severely disrupted order in the area. Rum-p'ta wondered if he could even go home safely, they probably recorded him on tape. "Oh my god-King Trump is calling an evacuation order- There are necromorphs fucking every- No, get the fuck back-" the radio soon went to static in the car. "Well this ain't gud" Shepard says, in the back seat. "We may have screwed up." Said Rum-p'ta. "Don't worry, I'll call Isaac Clarke." Shepard said and went on EAbook with his Omnitool. "Who?" Rum-p'ta asks. He ignored him and started communication with Isaac. Shepard begins the call, which at first is just screaming.. "Who the fuck is this?!" "Commander Shepard, spectre and saviour of the galaxy." He said into his omni tool. "Yeah, well I'm the sav-HOLY FUCKING SHIT THE MOONS ARE AT EARTH" "What" Shepard asked, extremely confused. "The Brethren Moons....They're going to turn everyone into Necromorphs!" "And if you don't get your ass down here, an entire species will become necromorphs." "But mah hoomans" "pls well bang ok" "ok" Isaac then appeared next to Shepard, wearing an Advanced Engineer RIG and wielding a Bullpup rifle. "We need you to call off the Necromorph attack. Not by killing them, but by leading them somewhere else." Shepard said to his fellow space hero. "You'll be back in time for Dead Space 4, promise." Rum-p'ta saw the suburb where his mini-mansion was. He couldn't see any trump-bots or police so far. Shrek seemed to be getting better. As he got closer to his home suburb he saw his neighbors had come out with guns in case the necromorphs came. Rum-p'ta saw the suburb where his mini-mansion was. He couldn't see any trump-bots or police so far. Shrek seemed to be getting better. MARK-6 was still silent, trying to hide his long circular head in case the police see him. They could hear raid sirens in the distance, from Trump City. Rum-p'ta wanted to talk to his neighbors but was not sure how they would react to his friends, so he drove off to his mini-mansion. His mini-mansion was three storeys tall, it's windows were bullet proof, had beige walls and an orange roof. It had a chrome steel fence covered in orange bougainvillea. His aunt was there, armed with a uranium revolver and a toupe wrecker. Isaac stepped out of the car, along with Shepard. They were going to round up the necromorphs and lead them somewhere safe. "Here," Isaac threw Rum-p'ta a Plasma Cutter, made of pure australium. "You may need it for the necros." He said, and ran off with Shepard. "Thanks." Said rum-p'ta. He walked to his confused aunt dona-tap and told her what had happened. Dona-tap looked at Shrek, she was not sure if she could trust him. "Ay laddie gril, you can trust me!" Shrek did a sexy pose and did the puss in boots cat eyes. Suddenly, the ground shook..... "Fuck me poor!" Shouted Dona-tap. "As you wish, madame." Shrek drops his pants. "No, Shrek. She was just startled by the earthquake." Explained Rum-p'ta, slightly annoyed. They ran into the mini-mansion, dona-tap guided them to their safety bunker. Suddenly, three Brethren Moons approached Trumpus 3 in outer space. They were royally fucked. Chuck Norris was coming to help, hopefully in time. "The Necromorphs have breached Trump Kingdom. King Trump...is dead." MARK-6 said, broadcasting a radio report with his vocal cords. Everyone in the bunker was shocked. Trumpus 3 was going to be bereft of civilization. Rum-p'ta cried, he was beginning to regret ever finding the shrek idol. "Maybe...." The Geth paused, "I can become the next King." "Don't screw with me, geth. I've had enough shocks for today." Said rum-p'ta angrily. He then went back to crying like dona-tap. Shrek frowned, and got up from his chair. He stepped over to Rum and slapped his ass. "The world's ending and you're sitten' ere like a pansy." Shrek said, in great disappointment. Rum-p'ta instantly felt bad about what he did. "Sorry." He said to Shrek. "But how could you become king MARK 6? You are geth, it would be to weird." He then asked. "The Council is desperate. They will choose anyone. We must arrive there before it is too late." "But we just got in the bunker..." Said Rum-p'ta. Shrek then teleports Rump'ta and MARK-6 outside. "What? You can teleport? Why didn't you use this power before?" He asks. "Plot convenience." Shrek shrugs. They get in the car and drive out of the suburb. But the Rum-p'ta remembered that Shrek can teleport. He asks shrek to teleport them to council. "Now that'd be a little unfair." Shrek says and teleports them to a Taco Bell sixteen miles away from the Council. "That's all I can do." He shrugged. In the sky, they could see Chuck Norris round house kicking the Brethren Moons. "What a strange god." Said Rum-p'ta as he looked at Chuck Norris. But he swerved so he went back to driving. "Legend says he created the entire omniverse..." MARK-6 says. "How?" Rum-p'ta asks, trying not to run over the people fleeing necromorphs. "He round house kicked the nothingness and caused the Big Bang." "How can you kick nothingness? Sounds like bull..." Chuck Norris appeared in front of him. "The fuck you say?" He roundhouse kicked him in the face and disappeared. The kick caused him to crash into a stump. The reactor was broken and was irradiating its general surroundings. Shrek burst out of the car, carrying the two and running away, the car exploding, creating a mushroom cloud. They were almost there. Rum-p'ta was dazed from the kick, like he was drunk. This inconvenienced Shrek. "Geth mang, get you and Rum to the building, I'll cover ye!" Shrek said, and ripped the arms off a Slasher Necromorph and ate them. "Come at me, ye crazy zombos!!!" MARK-6 used robotic strength and speed to race to the council hall. The Trump politicians were having a meeting. "Should we leave?" One of them asked. "This is the only planet that we can find that has oxygen made of doritos! It's the only habitable place!" Another said. Suddenly, Mark-6 kicked the door down, having it fly across the room and decapitate four politicians. "Oops." "A geth! Just what we need, another immigration problem." Said one of the politicians. The Geth threw Rum-p'ta onto the table, making him slowly slide down it. "I am here to become king." All the politicians laughed their asses off....Until a Necromorph busted through the wall and decapitated one. "Fuck!" Shouted a clone politician in surprise. MARK-6 retrieved the plasma cutter from rum-p'ta. He went at the necromorph, stabbing its head and liver. The Slasher kept on slashing with it's sword like arms, not dying even though it's head is gone. "Shoot the limbs!" Trump-bots arrived and swarmed around the hole in the wall, fixing it with spray on cement. MARK-6 sliced the limbs, but couldn't get all of them owing to the necromorphs speed. It killed another politician. Rum-p'ta was starting to get more aware of what was happening, he aimed the cheese at the necromorphs body. Shooting the cheese, it covers the creature's body like a symbiote and turned it into a cheese statue. The politicians were awed, who knew that cheese was capable of such wonders? The trump-bots finished plugging the wall and then surrounded the geth. "Awaiting orders." They chimed together. The politicians were confused. the geth was good, but not a trumpian, should he be king? "Are you rich?" One of them inevitably asked. "I have a small loan of a million dollars." The politicians grouped and started chatting, but were silenced when the door behind them opened. It was a humanoid in a black robe; it's chest and face covered by metallic armor. "Oh my God..." They lined up and saluted. The humanoid didn't look like a Trump, not at all. It slowly, slowly stepped towards the geth. "The whole world is going to hell." He said under his breath. It spoke a thick British accent, originating from Earth. "And this....synth, hell, a merchant..." he turned around and faced the politicians. "Survived what 80% of the Trump City population did not. He is intelligent, I can sense." He turned back to the Geth, staring at it for a moment. "Bring us the crown." The politicians ordered the trump-bots to bring the crown. "Here you go, sir." The trump bot gave the black robed man the crown. "Ah, yes. Haven't done this in a while." He sighed, and put the crown on the Geth's awkwardly shaped head. "Hail." He knelt before him, along with the other politicians. The trump-bots simply saluted. 4 The crown tilted to the left, this annoyed the mysterious man. Suddenly, Isaac Clarke shot down the wall the bots had patched up. He, curiously, had the green Infector that Shrek tamed days ago in his shoulder. Him and Shepard walked in. "We led over 60,000 Necromorphs to an underground bunker. Now, we need help." Shepard said. "Chuck can't defeat the Brethren Moons by himself." "The only bunker that could hold that many ..you didn't put them all in the emergency underground city did you?!" Asked a politician."Well, it was in the middle of the desert...""It will cost millions to clean it up after we remove the necromorphs!" The politician, who was called Murot, added."At least their contained now." Said MARK-6. "We need at least 800 nuclear warheads to defeat the Moons." MARK-6, now king, repeated the command to the council. The politician trut made an order at TRUKE-CO for 300 plutonium standards, 100 uranium tsar mega-nukes, 200 uranium cluster bombs and 200 neptunium specials."The delivery men will have them ready in half an hour." Trut said."Thank you. Isaac, with me." Shepard said, and armed his blaster rifle. "We have a little unfinished business to take care of with a crime boss down town." They ran through the hole, which the trump-bots quickly resumed fixing. Rum-p'ta wondered how Shrek was holding up. Shrek was shaking his ass and eating a bowl of onions. Rum-p'ta walked outside and saw this strange act. He was confused. "so fellas" Shrek says "Yeah" a Trumpian says. "Does your girl have de boote" "Why yes" "Tell her to shake it" "Shake it" "Shake it" "Shake that healthy butt" "Baby got Shrek" "Shrek s is in trouble" "Beggin for a piece of dat onion" "Do I hear a song?" Asks MARK-6."Baby got back" Shrek then threw an onion inside of the building, and every one ran away like that Indiana Jones scene. "What did you do?" Shouted trut. Shrek had a mind control device on. "Muahahaah! It is I, Shrekamus!" MARK-6 pretended to gasp in shock. He knew a encounter with this evil impostor was inevitable.He charged at shrekamus with the plasma cutter. The trumpians were running as far as possible, but a few succumbed to the mind control, including trut. Mark-6 tried to slice the device off Shrek's head, but it was too strong to cut.MARK-6 kicked shrekamus back, he yelled to rum-p'ta to help him."Haha, if you shoot me, Shrek dies!" "Why do you do this shrekamus? Why hate shrek?" Asked MARK-6. "Because Shrek is the king of Far Far Away. I want to be king of Far Far Away!" He screams. "I've never heard of that planet." Said rum-p'ta, curious. "Me neither, must not be important." Said trut. "It's on Earth u dingus" "Isn't that were the clones come from?" Asked trut. Rum-p'ta shook his head to say yes. "Why would you want to be king of that backwater?" Asked trut. "GPD is only 1.7%, ours is 2.1!" Added another politician. "And that's where all the australium is, all the Shrekium is, and most importantly, THE HUMANS!" Rum-p'ta realized that if shrekamus controlled even a fraction of earth, he could use that power to influence the economy in negative ways. This angered him. "Enough talk, time to die!" Shrekamus summoned three ogrefied Big Daddies to assist him in his killing spree. "You're fucked." Said rum-p'ta as he aimed the cheese at one of them, turning it into stone, which then crumpled. The trump-bots which fixed the wall finally arrived. They automatically went to protecting the politicians from the threat. They shot uranium bullets at the big daddies. Shrekamus took a swing at Rumpta, but the robed man pushed him out of the way and shot electricity out of his fingertips onto Shrekamus, frying his mind control device. The trump-bots subdued the big daddies by blinding then with paint from the toupe wreckers. "Oh, what happened..." Shrek asked and grasped his head."I think we should go to the Kingdom. You can bring your mates." The robed man said to Mark-6. "What kingdom?" Asks rum-p'ta."You don't mean..." Asks MARK-6. "The grand Trumpian Kingdom of Mount Trump." He saluted.Reply Rum-p'ta cried tears of joy, what an honour!"We politicians must come, we have clearances." Said trut."Okay, you can stay in the basement playing checkers."The politicians hung their heads down, they felt unworthy. Everyone, minus some politicians to disappointed to come, gathered in a group so that Shrek could teleport them. The robed man gave Shrek and Rum-p'ta medals made of pure australium. "Who are you?" MARK-6 asked. "The Inquisitor." He turned to Shrek and nodded, which gave Shrek the order to teleport them to the Kingdom. They teleported. when they arrived all who bothered to come were amazed at the kingdoms majesty. The mountain, a singular oasis of life and beauty in the surrounding desert, was covered in castles of orange granite. They were surrounded by saluting military soldiers, Shepard and Isaac were there. The Inquisitor led Mark to his thrown. The white and black Geth unit sat upon the thrown, almost completely destroying speciesism within Trumpian royalty. The Trumpian anthem played in the background, and the Inquisitor bowed to the Geth.All,willingly or not, bowed to the geth king.In the near future a conservative political group, the truories, would obnoxiously protest the geth king.Mark-6 decided to make a short speech. The geth thought for a few microseconds,then began the speech. "Today is a dark and interesting time for all in trumpus 3. For far too long threats from the necromorphs and exclusion of geth have mired the trumpian society and economy. I, Mark-6, shall end this." many cheered, but he said more."I shall improve the slums that are the geth camps, and I'll vanquish or convert to harmlessness the necromorphs that assault us daily. And also I shall vanquish another evil, less known and hidden. That is the ignorance of the interplanetary society at large that trumpians have from the censorship enacted by the older trump kings." "Who among you knew before this day of shrek,ogres,Isaac and Shepard or even the god chuck Norris?"Everyone said "we did not.""Exactly." Said the geth king. "The xenophobic practices of trumpus 3 must end!" Shouted MARK-6. All in the kingdom were moved by the speech. "Look up!" Said a salutary soldier.They looked up and saw that Chuck Norris had floated away from the brethren moon as the trumpian nukes showered it with atomic power.Giant chunks of fleshy debris fell down to Trumpus, the Brethren Moons destroyed. The only one remaining was the one hovering next to Trumpus 3. And thus, cheering began."I hope those chunks don't cause major damage." Said trut.Soon enough a chunk fell on a nearby watch-scraper."You jinxed it!" Said a salutary soldier as he punched trut's arm. Trut laughed, but then screamed in pain and fell out a window and broke every bone in his body.Rum-p'ta and the others that cared went to where he fell and saw his corpse."What did you do!?" Said a salutary soldier to the soldier that punched trut."I guess I bamboozled him" a laugh track played in the background.Reply "That was quite a bamboozling." Said a salutary soldier.Everyone ceased to care much of trut, the geth king and the dead moons were more important."Are you going to say anything?" Said a salutary soldier to shrek."I like booties." Said Shrek, and he shrugged. He walked over to the kitchen and raided it.The Inquisitor had already left, for unknown reasons. Shrek found some trumpian onions.They were smaller than the one he usually eats and they were orange. He eats one to see if he likes them."Great Scott, these are horrible! I'm gonna teach ya how to make some GOOD onions!" Shrek said and grabbed a chef. He then forcibly taught them how to make amazing onions. It was difficult for as a chef he had no bioengineering equipment. But they got by, shrek has a way of making things go his way.Shrek teleported Donkey to the Kingdom, and Donkey commanded to have his very own meth lab. Shrek told donkey that it just so happens meth is a legal food additive in trumpus 3.Donkey, excited as all hell, explodes and reappears and screams. "Calm down donkey, don't get too excited." Said shrek as he readied the chloroform.Rum-p'ta heard the commotion and went to it.Suddenly, Walter White and Jesse Pinkman appeared. "We were sent by Chuck Norris, we offer news and blue meth. Bitch." Shrek quickly hid the chloroform, and twerked in order to not draw attention. Suddenly rum-p'ta came in, he was surprised but not shocked because he had seen so much. "What is this news?" MARK-6 asked, entering the kitchen as well. "A strange alien ship has crashed onto Trumpus 3, and it holds living bodies made of meth! And, they are here to eat everyone. Bitch." Jesse said. "Don't call me bitch." Said rum-p'ta."Okay, bitch. Bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch-" Walter slapped Jesse, as he was short circuiting. But then his head comes off, revealing that THEY were the meth aliens. "What a perfect opportunity to display my NEW reign of interspecies acceptance." Said MARK-6 as donkey attacked. "IMMA GET MAH SNORT ON" Donkey screams his battle cry, but gets shot by a tranquilizer dart by Puss in Boots. The crystal-like creatures put their blue arms up. "Please don't fight, today is supposed to be a reign of peace for trumpus 3." Said MARK-6."As king I command no more fighting, only explanation. Why are you here, meth based life forms?" "Our planet was taken over by the Flood, and we fled here to find food." A look of shock appeared on shrek's face."How can an entire planet get flooded?" Rum-p'ta asked."No, they're a parasitic alien species." The fake Walter said. MARK-6 thought awhile, then said that they should come before his throne. The crystal life forms stepped out of their fake skin robot suit things and followed MARK-6. As they came forth from the kitchen the trumpians looked on in surprise, the trump-bots readied themselves for combat."Stand down." The geth said to the trump-bots. The Trump Bots, confused, exploded. They were never told to stand down before. That'll be expensive to fix." Commented a soldier. Shrek twerked and pooped out a sandwich.Shrek took this sandwich and used it to fix the robots. Magical power flowed from it, putting them together like a hundred hands. It had been a weird day for everyone.The robots had skin made of bread; and mayonnaise as blood and turkey, ham, and lettuce as organs. "Shrek, thank you." Said MARK-6 as resumed his Royal business.He sat on the throne with the aliens before him and announced what they had said to everyone using the built in loudspeakers."What shall we do? Fight the Flood?" A military captain asked. "We shall aid the aliens in fighting the flood." The geth replied. "Call truke CO." One of the politicians told this to the sandwich bot."Yes sir-NECROMORPH DETECTED" It screamed and pointed at Trut, who was now a necromorph slasher. He had climbed to the window.A sandwich bot attacked it, but it was quickly destroyed.Rum-p'ta sighed and simply pointed the cheese at the slasher which caused it to want to join a union, it sped away looking for a union to join which it probably won't because unions are a illegal heresy in trumpus 3. Everyone ate the sandwich bot's corpse, it being amazingly tasty. The other sandwich bots hid in terror. "Hold on...." The Blue Sky meth alien said and looked at his omnitool, "Its a message from Drugia. The Cocanians are being invaded by the Flood!" "More drug based life? How amazing." Said rum-p'ta.Shrek seemed to be thinking about something to say. "Drugia is full of drug based lifeforms. LSDians, Ecstasions, Oxycontinians, etc...." The white meth alien said. "We're Methomorphs.""Um, can I smoke you-" Shrek instantly covered his mouth, how could he say such a thing?! the methomorphs backed away from shrek."Shrek, you sprinkle meth on food, not smoke it." Said rum-p'ta, ignorant of the way meth is used outside trumpus 3."Enough! We have wasted enough time already." Said mark-6, frustrated.The workers at truke co have already loaded the royal ships with nukes."Thank you, King Trump." The methomorphs bowed. MARK-6 felt elated at finally being called by his new title, it gave him confidence to start ruling trumpus 3."If you want the nukes you'll have to lead us to drugia with your ship." Said a salutary soldier."Um..About that...It crashed." "Why? Why did it crash? Was it necromorphs?" Asked the geth. "No, it was a DEA ship that shot us down.""DEA? There's no DEA in trumpus 3!" Shouted MARK-6, he was pissed off. So much shit blocking his progress."Shrek, you know what to do." Said MARK-6. Shrek then had a confused look, and stared at MARK-6. "No, but there is one floating right next to here." He gave him a telescope, and right next to the Brethren Moon was a black floating disk with the words "FIB" and "DEA" on it. 5 Shrek then twerked and pooped out a necromorph, which screamed "HORNY DORITOS" and ran out the door. It then went on to become the mayor of Trump City. "Why do you do that shrek?" Asked rum-p'ta, disgusted. "I can't help it, it was a curse given to me by Marasmus." "But aren't you a god or something like that?" Said rum-p'ta as MARK-6 shook his head at rum-p'ta's ignorance. "Yes, but even the Gods can be cursed by Marasmus." Shrek said. "Um, m'lord, we have gained Intel that the Flood are trying to take over the Methomorph Airforce Base in order to invade us, as we are about to help Drugia." "How could we have known! The Flood isn't supposed to be smart enough to use tech!" Exclaimed Jesse. Shrek pondered the problem and found a solution to it. "I come over there, and ay rip em to pieces and ay eat em and ay shove em up me bum!" Shrek exclaimed, enthusiastic. "There's to many, do you have others?" Asked Jesse."The other ogres!" Said rum-p'ta. "Ohhh, yes, I'll call Fiona and have her send the Grand Ogre army!" "We'll help, as well." Shrek turned around, and saw Dr. Breen, who had an army of Combine soldiers behind him. "Wallace Breen!" Shrek gasped. "Yes, we, the Combine, are here to ally with Trumpus 3 and Drugia." MARK-6 was wary of breen, didn't father pooper warn him of them.The other trumpians were starting to get weirded out by all these foreigners and wanted to leave but knew that it would insult the new geth king, this stressed them out. "Drugia has been located by two Trumpian scout ships. Awaiting further orders, over." MARK-6 heard in his thoughts, it was from a Trumpian radio. MARK-6 was having his doubts about allying with Breen, but he knew if he didn't the entire planet would be destroyed and it's species enslaved and it's resources drained. ...through the enemies nose. "it's good that your ogre army aids us shrek, but I'm not sure about your combine soldiers, breen. Why do you help us?" Asked mark-6 just as the crown inevitable slipped off. Luckily the geth grabbed it before it fell on the floor. "It's simple, really, our Benefactors want more allies. You? Are a powerful species that can aid us in our mission." The geth searched his memory bank for info on the Combine, trying to remember everything that Father Looper hated about them. Rum-p'ta and the other trumpians got dizzy thinking about all the new types of immigrants they would deal with. "Enslavement of humans...turning people into synths...trying to take over the multiverse..." The geth wondered what the combine might try to do with the ogres as well as the trumpians. The greatest solution, he thought, was to join them and betray them afterwards. But that would make them a powerful enemy. Even with ogres and drugians as allies they would be too powerful. Mark just thought "fuck it" and commanded Shrek to eat Breen, and they took the soldiers in as their own. "Oh, that was a nice wee laddeh." Said shrek as he rubbed his stomach and burped. "Yes very nice shrek." Said MARK-6 as he stared at the terrified combine soldiers. Two royal guards decked in Daedric armor led the Combine personnel to living spaces, and MARK-6 went back to planning on how to handle Drugia. "Are methomorphs radiation resistant? Since we are sending nukes it seems important to know." Said rum-p'ta suddenly. "If we come into contact with radiation, we will become green colored Radomorphs." "So if I gave you these uranium coins," said rum-p'ta as he pulled a few out of his pocket,"you would transform?" "If we were exposed for an hour." Dickishly thoughts flowed through rum-p'ta's mind, but he restrained himself. "Your spaghetti, sire." A Spaghettian butler handed Mark a bowl of spaghetti. I'm a geth, a robot. I can't eat." Said MARK-6, annoyed. "You're supposed to shove it up your ass sire." Shrek was angered by the Butler's insolence towards his geth friend. "It's time for ye olde shrek-assault magic." He said, his eyes full of darkness. Shrek tasered the butler with lightning from his dick, he then just punched him. In this thrashing it was revealed that the butler was really a conservative trumpian who hated geth. Another Spaghettian brought Mark-6 spaghetti, and he gladly shoved it up his ass.The trumpian then ripped his shirt off, revealing a bomb suit. "ALLAHU ACKTRUMP" "Fuuuck you!" Said Rum-p'ta as he pointed the magic cheese. The bomb turned into onions, good onions. The onions exploded, entering the man's lungs. He fell to his knees, choking, before a stalk with onions hanged on it shot out of his throat. His body began growing onion vines, and he was soon covered with onions. He extended his army like silly putty and attempted to crush Rum-p'ta. Three Combine Elites entered the room and fired at the onion monster with their AR-2 blasters. Rum-p'ta ran away so he could not do that. Shrek licked his lips at the sudden buffet. The monster shot his Play-Do arm at Shrek and snarled, and had impaled him. The arm had stabbed his pancreas, at first this scared him but soon he was wrathful."Think yer can take on a god yer wee cunt!" He shouted as he shredded the arm with his arms and teeth. He then teleported somewhere safe. Trump-bots tended to shreks wounds as MARK-6 quickly recovered from the spaghetti attack and ordered trump-bots to attack.They shot uranium bullets at the post-trumpian. They bullets only made him stronger, making him gain an atomic bomb for a booty. MARK-6 got sick of this shit. "Stop fighting everyone, let's just go to drugia and let this dickhead go. "Everyone liked this idea, so they walked away from the potato trumpian and took a nuclear quad copter to the nearest spaceport.The onion trumpian felt sad, lonely. He then decided to head to Earth, and he then became the President of Italy. Rum-p'ta enjoyed the view of the trumpian desert that the nuclear quad copter gave him. He saw herds of necromorphs run upon it. Many of them were Trumpian, but some of them looked oddly human. Many scientists believed that Trumpus was originally inhabited by humans. The copter kept flying. "This reminds me of a Donolt Atunpura nature documentary." Rum-p'ta commented. The geth and shrek looked at him."You know, the one called 'running with necromorphs'." Suddenly, the Geth portrayed a hologram screen out of his eye. "Ello', I'm Donolt Atunpura, and today I'm going to be talking about the mysterious necromorph, a mysterious but deadly creature..." It shows the man walking up to a bush. "What a sexy creature!" He whispers when he sees a Slasher. "Look at those blades coming out of her back, so majes-Oh shit it saw me..." The rest of the clip showed him running away, an army of necromorphs running after him while Morgan Freeman narrated. "The slashers blades can still function perfectly even when the necromorph is occupied with chasing her prey," said Morgan Freeman. "Though the fact that this 59 year old man can still outrun her after half an hour should be considered as proof of the fact that though deadly the necromorphs are still corpses that will never be as healthy as a old man.""Be weary though, as some necromorphs, such as the Twitcher, are very fast." Morgan says, as the show host is beating the necromorph with a stick. "I do love a good nature doc!" Exclaimed Shrek suddenly. The doc shows Donolt Atunpura finally escaping to safety in a nuclear dune buggy. "Allons-y cocksuckers!" He says as he tosses a grenade at them. "The slasher, once a prime predator, is blown to pieces by the genius of its only predator, the trumpian." Says Freeman. "No one does subjugation of an alien threat as great as we trumpians do." Comments donolt atunpura in a voiceover. The clip ends."As do I." MARK-6 said. Suddenly, a rocket hits the helicopter."Ah, fuck!" Says everyone on board. "Mayday, may-" the copter crashed into the sand, killing the pilots. Distant necromorphs semmed to creep over the horizon towards them. Two Regenerator necromorphs started making their way to the choppers. "Use the cheese rum-p'ta!" Commanded Shrek. Rum-p'ta pointed the cheese at the necromorphs. The cheese burned off the limbs of the Regenerator, but they grew back. Rum-p'ta willed the cheese to turn back into ak-47 and headshot the necromorphs. They kept on coming, as the head of a necromorph isn't important. He then shot them in the balls. Also didn't work, as it regrew it's head and nuts. He shot their knees. The bullets went through their knees. The Regenerators caught up and snatched Mark-6, slapping his ass and heading back to base to cook him in a stew. Which they couldn't, because he was a robot. They did anyway and it was a delicacy. Rum-p'ta sneakily followed them, along with Shrek. "Do you think he's still alive?" Asked Rum-p'ta."I may be powerful but I don't know everything." He replied. They go on to save MARK-6. Rum-p'ta looked at his gun and remembered how useless it was on necromorphs. "Those this gun use uranium bullets?" He asked shrek. "No, laddeh." Replied shrek "That explains it." 6The got to the entrance if the necromorphs cave, they saw the pot with MARK-6 in it. Rum-p'ta was surprised that necromorphs were smart enough to use tools like a pot, he thought they were just animals. This made him philosophical about the holes in his world view. Three Slashers were cutting carrots into the pot, and dropping multiple rare spices inside. "They can cook? That's amazing." Said shrek. "Too bad we must fight." Said rum-p'ta. Shrek had an idea. "Ey lads!" He jumped to the necromorphs, they backed away and hissed. "Let me show ya how to make a real good meal!" He took an onion out of his ass and chopped it up, it falling into the soup. The Slashers crawled further in curiosity. From his ass he also summoned a sprig of rosemary and some potatoes. "What's that doing in there?" Scolded shrek as he pointed at the geth. "That'll get yet a bad taste, heavy metal poisoning as well!" The Slashers removed the Geth and threw him in the trash can. As shrek distracted them rum-p'ta helped MARK-6 escape. "Nice working with you." Shrek waved at the necromorphs as he left the cave. When shrek found rum-p'ta and MARK-6 he teleported them to the crashed copter. The necromorphs waved at Shrek and began to eat their amazing meal. Years later, they would share this recipe and the legend of the Ogre Chef to future generations. The helicopter was being rebuilt by a Builder Trump. It was a curious species, they looked like birds but with Donald Trump's head and liked to rebuild broken things. "Thank Trump!" Exclaimed rum-p'ta. The builder Trump noticed the trio, he came to them and began a conversation with them. "Hello! Is this your copter? I fixed your copter because I felt like it." Said the builder Trump. "Yes." Said MARK-6, exhausted. "Crikey! Well, I am honored to have helped the King." The Trump tips his fedora and bows. There shall be a reward for you when I come back, what is your name?" Asked MARK-6. "Potan." Said the builder Trump. "Um, anyone know how to fly a plane?" Shrek asks. Everybody shakes their head. "Well howdy." A necromorph Ubermorph appears, wearing a hard hat and chewing wheat. "Name's Bobby Joe. I can ride any plane." "It isn't a fucking plane it's a quad copter!" Said MARK-6. The necromorph paused then said "I could do that." He then smacked the copter with his ass and hops in, and flies it to Gallifrey and back in three milliseconds. "Could you take us to drugia instead?" Asked shrek. "Sure thing." Said Bob. Rum-p'ta was still weirded out by the fact that necromorphs were intelligent. Reply "We're going into hyperspace." Said Bobbo, flicking switches and pressing buttons. A thought flew through Rum-p'ta's mind: Because the Brethren Moons are gone, are they evolving? What if necromorphs only act violently under the moons influence? And if so that means.... No more war with the necromorphs, and just as importantly, the human necromorphs could provide answers to trumpus history. Rum-p'ta wrote this thought into his diary. "Rum-p'ta, why the fuck do you have a diary on you?" Asked shrek as politely as possible. "It's a free planet isn't it?" He replied. It was secretly his entire life since birth, 300 years of writing. The diary was the thickness of a Bible, shrek pondered how he hadn't seen it before. Shrek reminisced about a time Jehovah's witnesses intruded on his house, carrying big Bibles. "Would you like to talk about our Lord and Saviour Jehovah God?" One of them asked. "What are you doin' in my SWAMP?" "Preaching the good news sir." "I don't want ya trooth!" Shrek went to close the door, "Blah blah blah, there is a truth, yo mama 3:5." "No, there isn't." "Yes, there is. Fat man." Shrek roared a mighty roar and ate one, the other fleeing. "It's not ogre yet." Shrek leaped to him, he was in front of him. "N-no, please....I have a w-wife and k-k-kids...!" Shrek punched his fist through the man's chest, pulling out his intestines. Shrek swallowed like spaghetti and tore out his lungs. He then pleasured himself with that heart of the man. Two hours earlier, his wife ordered a pizza. He took the man's corpse and threw him in his meat grinder. He headed to New York, where the man lived, and stopped the pizza guy. "Hey!" Shrek said, running towards him. "what" Shrek gave the man a billion dollars, and grabbed the pizza. He ran to the house where he wife was, and sprinkled the shredded remains of her husband all over it. He opened the door. "Shrek's Pizza Delivery!" He said. The woman took the pizza and fed it to her kids. "This pizza tastes like the Lord's love." Said the children. "Mmm, fun times." Said shrek to himself. Category:Blog posts